Hace Mucho Tiempo...

I've been back in the U.S. for 6 months now, but somehow it feels like just yesterday that I was running around the toddler house at the orphanage with Martita on one hip and Luisito on the other. I miss my babies. I miss all of the kids. For a while I dreamt about them every night; mostly about Martita. In many of the dreams I saw her, but she didn't know who I was. Then finally after weeks of this torture, she called my name and ran to me. After that, I didn't dream about her anymore for a long time. I can't decide if it's better to have those "nightmares" or not to dream of her at all because at least in the bad dreams, I still get to see her. I dream about the other kids too and often wonder if it's God's way of reminding me to pray for that specific child.

In my first few weeks back, I had a hard time readjusting to the U.S. I missed the simplicity of life at the orphanage; not having to worry about what I wore or the type of shampoo I used. I was astonished at the amount of food that I saw being thrown away in the U.S. when I knew so many Honduran kids who would gladly have cleaned every plate at the table. I was shocked at the extravagancies of luxury items that cost more money than my Honduran kids would ever see in their lifetimes. Basically I was in reverse culture shock (which in my experience tends to be worse than the actual culture shock of living somewhere else). I felt like we Americans were so wasteful with our money and our resources. Pretty soon (though I don't necessarily consider it to be a good thing), I readjusted to the American culture. I was no longer shocked to spend more than $3 in a restaurant and I was okay with putting my small amount leftover food in the trash rather than taking it out on the street to see if I could find someone who wanted it.

Now, having fully readjusted to the U.S. I'm again longing to return to Honduras. I feel God pulling me there and often wonder why He brought me back to the U.S. so soon. I know that He is working in me here as well, but it's so difficult when a large portion of my heart remained in Honduras. I dream of adopting Martha and bringing her to the U.S. to live with me after I finish dental school, but then I also think about the realities of life... I don't know where my life will be in 4 years. I don't know where I'll be living or working, or if I'll have a husband or a boyfriend and in order to adopt from Emmanuel, you must be married 3 years or single, which in reality is a good thing because starting a marriage is difficult enough without adding a Honduran toddler to the equation, but it also throws a potential wrench in my plan to adopt her by the age of 6. I've learned though that making my own plans is worthless because God always makes better ones so I just need to continue putting my faith in Him and praying for the best life possible for my baby girl.